My Beautiful Baby

My latest pregnancy was going just like my previous 3 even up to it being another girl :) I was so excited to get to see my little girl she was running her face on the ultrasound. This was the last time I would see her alive and I am thankful for the dvd that was made for me of this appointment. 3 weeks later we moved across the country, bought a new house, and stated a new life. 3 weeks after moving out I had my next appointment where we learned her heart had stopped and our little girl was no longer going to be on this earth with us. I was so devastated by the news, even more so that I had brought my other girls with me to hear their baby sister's heart beat. I wanted no one to know about it, couldn't talk to anyone without breaking down. I am blessed to be living near my sister and brother in law who just 2 years prior (almost to the day) lost one of their babies too. They took our 3 girls during the time that my husband and I were in the hospital and my other brother in law drove 10 hours after doing his rotations to be with us. My sister in law helped me gain perspective on what I was going through and to be able to share my story with others. I delivered my baby girl at 26 weeks and she is classified as a stillbirth.
My closure came after the burial service for my little Abby, and even more so after I received her fetal death certificate. Many might not know how someone could be laughing, smiling, and genuinely happy just a week after such a loss. I was. It was so hard to go to the funeral home the day after delivering her to pick out her casket and make all the arrangements, but reflecting back I am so happy with everything that we were able to do. I was able to make her a little hat and blanket and her big sisters helped me pick out her dress (at Toy's 'R' Us in the doll section). My girls also made her pictures, picked out a miniature doll for her and my oldest even made her a tiny ring and stated "I know babies can't have small things, but Abby can't swallow it." She is a great big sister along with the other 2 girls! Another program that I am grateful for being available was Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDS) an non-profit for infant and child loss that comes to do free photography for you to have as keepsakes. They are professional photographers and I absolutely loved the man that did ours and I will forever cherish my pictures.
I know that I will get to see her again and I know this knowledge has helped me through this. I also know that my other girls and my husband need me so I couldn't just shut down, but many nights I would wake up crying as I pictures my baby and remember holding her. There are nights that I still can't get to sleep but I am functional, happy, and moving forward with out life not to forget Abby but to remember her. I can't stop progressing in this life because of losing Abby if I do that I won't see her again; this life is to be lived and  for progression. I still learn each day something new from my experience from Abby and she even helps teach her big sisters how to love and be kind to each other often because of not knowing when you won't get to have them around again.
Anyways having a roller coaster of emotions (from doing great for an extended period to just having a rotten down day) is normal and I know this. Reflecting back to think "what could I have done different to prevent this?" is a tireless question. Another thing that that doesn't help heal is wonder if a certain thing (like a 20 hour drive, riding on a carousel, riding a farris wheel) are what caused this to happen. In my case I know that the rides were safe and that the drive was broken up into 3 hour increments due to 2 kids that need potty breaks and me being 24 weeks pregnant at the time of our move.
I hope that my random babbling may help someone out there dealing with something similar, or maybe comments made can help everyone.